I feel real pain in my heart, it is broken. My sweet friendly friend died last week. I am glad to be busy because the pain from the greif hurts unbearably.
What exactly does it feel like? Like there is an anvil sitting on my chest and I can't breath and the pressure hurts and I it is pressing down on my diaphram making it hard to breath. I don't like this pain, that's why I don't like death and dying. Those who leave, leave; those who stay hurt, miss them, want them back, think about the memories as to do so will somehow keep them with us longer. Dream about them, good ones mostly. Hear their voice. Feel their presence. Talk to them, silently or out loud.
I need a friend to make the pain go away, but no, I've found it to be a solitary condition. Alone and in pain, how long will this last.
I think during the memorial we will all bond and have some closure.
But for now, heart achey pain.
Owww, Ouch, Owww, Ouch
Lord make it stop, save me from this pain. Receive Carol into your arms. May she rest in your peace. For this I ask in Jesus' mighty name. Amen
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Craziness in Academia Land
Never enough time
Study not sleep
Caffein
Sheer will power
Fight the weary body
Eye strain
Block out all distractions
Give yourself infractions
No quitting
No giving up
Focus on the goal
Nothing but net
Aim high
Work hard but smart
Breath
Try to take breaks
Take walks (they're good for a brain boost)
Break large assignments down into manageble bites
Keep the large picture in mind
Collaborate
Talk about your work
Think about your work (make the time)
Believe you can do it
Failure is not an option
Breath again
Love Your Family (but let them cook)
Remember, to ask God's blessings
Study not sleep
Caffein
Sheer will power
Fight the weary body
Eye strain
Block out all distractions
Give yourself infractions
No quitting
No giving up
Focus on the goal
Nothing but net
Aim high
Work hard but smart
Breath
Try to take breaks
Take walks (they're good for a brain boost)
Break large assignments down into manageble bites
Keep the large picture in mind
Collaborate
Talk about your work
Think about your work (make the time)
Believe you can do it
Failure is not an option
Breath again
Love Your Family (but let them cook)
Remember, to ask God's blessings
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Cancer takes my Mother In Law
Carol, our silly, lovely friend and family member.
Tonight my mother-in-law passed away. In December she was cleared of cancer cells. She had made it two years cancer free. Her hair was back, her appetite was back, her energy was back and she made us laugh.
Carol was truly blessed, besides her family, by her side in her last days were seven loyal friends of 30 years plus. They that is the measure of one's life, who your friends are.
During the eight years that I knew her, she welcomed me into her family fold. Me, a single mother of two boys was embraced by herself, her brother, her mom and countless other distance relatives. She one time donated over $100 dollars so that my son could go on a Yosemite trip with his 7th grade class. She bought us a generous living room sectional because all we had was an old one s neighbor had cast off. She helped my husband in so many ways, with a car, with her unyielding support of his sober lifestyle, of his success in his education and achieving directorship of a clean and sober rehabilitation center. She showed up at every rehab family picnic in the middle of summer and mixed with all the recovering addicts and alcoholics as if she was one of them.
Sure she was rough around the edges, but her dry sense of humour hinted at the kind, compassionate heart lurking beneath the tough exterior. Her nickname for me was "weirdo", today I cherish her estimation of me because I think that means one of thinks outside the box.
Presently I am waiting for my husband, his aunt and uncle to arrive home from the hospital, she has passed and I'm not sue what they can do tonight. Probably lots of decisions.
She was so special to my husband, a single mother, who after her husband left her, picked herself up by her bootstraps, joined the company where she worked for thirty years and made all her close friends. She always supported her two boys, both financially, socially, emotionally and spiritually==a true mother.
She has passed two days before Mother's Day, I don't feel this is a bad thing, we will remember her fondly this day, the rest of our lives. She was only 66, next month she was to retire and had plans to travel to her beloved Italy. I prayed for her salvation and to some extent I think she accepted the concept of maybe there is a God. I was not the person to say the salvation prayer with her but I prayed constantly for her salvation, right up to end. I hope God was able to speak to her heart.
My husband said this is the hardest thing he's ever had to go through, and he has quite a history of hard times. He idolize her, he gave her his love, his time, his service, she meant the world to him. What she needed he provided. He was internally grateful for being his best mom and all the help and support she had given him over the years.
Carol knew the end was near, up to 32 hours before her passing she was ready to go, her pain was beyond excruciating. She was fortunate to say goodbye to all her good friends and even her family members. We all loved her very much.
She marked each holiday with festive gifts for everybody. At Easter everyone got a little Easter basket (mostly adults) and she arranged the Easter egg hunt. At Christmas, her gifts were generous and carefully chosen to please the receiver.
She shunned pictures of herself but I always disobeyed her and now I'm glad I did, I caught her many times in the middle of her silliness. At Thanksgiving, she planned the meal and cooked most of it. These things she did selfishly and for the pleasing of others. She honored and took care of her elderly mother.
She loved my kids, though they were not her own.
What else? Even in her last 32 hours, she used her sense of humour to poke fun at her self, her situation and exchange witty banter with friends and family== that was her style. It crackes us up and lightened the load on all of us--another example of her self effacing ways. She succumbed to her disease with acceptance, grace and dignity. Her decisions for handling things after her death were not a big concern for her, it was mainly what would make others feel comfortable.
There is an old saying, that end of one's life the measure of a person is not the wealth they accrued, not the success they achieved but the quality of friendships. In that regard, Carol was a very wealthy woman. I wish all of us could be blessed by the friends she cultivated, they were more like family, with histories ranging up to 50 years. They all came to visit and to say their final goodbyes. Everyone was struck by her unusual openness to affection and expressions of love and gratitude. You see her style has always been to be fiercely independent and stoic. She put up with my hugs, but was not very comfortable with them. Not so, during her last moments, we hugged and she expressed great caring for my two boys and for me being in Craig' s life.
She loved birthday celebrations and always had special presents for our family celebrations. I remember the year she made a home made Alligator cake for Craig.
Though Carol is gone, her mark on her lives was big, was good, and she will be part of our changed life forever. God Bless you Carol, may you see your father in the after life as you hoped you would. You were lovely, honorable, and the best friend and mother one could have. Thank you for being a part of our lives.
Tonight my mother-in-law passed away. In December she was cleared of cancer cells. She had made it two years cancer free. Her hair was back, her appetite was back, her energy was back and she made us laugh.
Carol was truly blessed, besides her family, by her side in her last days were seven loyal friends of 30 years plus. They that is the measure of one's life, who your friends are.
During the eight years that I knew her, she welcomed me into her family fold. Me, a single mother of two boys was embraced by herself, her brother, her mom and countless other distance relatives. She one time donated over $100 dollars so that my son could go on a Yosemite trip with his 7th grade class. She bought us a generous living room sectional because all we had was an old one s neighbor had cast off. She helped my husband in so many ways, with a car, with her unyielding support of his sober lifestyle, of his success in his education and achieving directorship of a clean and sober rehabilitation center. She showed up at every rehab family picnic in the middle of summer and mixed with all the recovering addicts and alcoholics as if she was one of them.
Sure she was rough around the edges, but her dry sense of humour hinted at the kind, compassionate heart lurking beneath the tough exterior. Her nickname for me was "weirdo", today I cherish her estimation of me because I think that means one of thinks outside the box.
Presently I am waiting for my husband, his aunt and uncle to arrive home from the hospital, she has passed and I'm not sue what they can do tonight. Probably lots of decisions.
She was so special to my husband, a single mother, who after her husband left her, picked herself up by her bootstraps, joined the company where she worked for thirty years and made all her close friends. She always supported her two boys, both financially, socially, emotionally and spiritually==a true mother.
She has passed two days before Mother's Day, I don't feel this is a bad thing, we will remember her fondly this day, the rest of our lives. She was only 66, next month she was to retire and had plans to travel to her beloved Italy. I prayed for her salvation and to some extent I think she accepted the concept of maybe there is a God. I was not the person to say the salvation prayer with her but I prayed constantly for her salvation, right up to end. I hope God was able to speak to her heart.
My husband said this is the hardest thing he's ever had to go through, and he has quite a history of hard times. He idolize her, he gave her his love, his time, his service, she meant the world to him. What she needed he provided. He was internally grateful for being his best mom and all the help and support she had given him over the years.
Carol knew the end was near, up to 32 hours before her passing she was ready to go, her pain was beyond excruciating. She was fortunate to say goodbye to all her good friends and even her family members. We all loved her very much.
She marked each holiday with festive gifts for everybody. At Easter everyone got a little Easter basket (mostly adults) and she arranged the Easter egg hunt. At Christmas, her gifts were generous and carefully chosen to please the receiver.
She shunned pictures of herself but I always disobeyed her and now I'm glad I did, I caught her many times in the middle of her silliness. At Thanksgiving, she planned the meal and cooked most of it. These things she did selfishly and for the pleasing of others. She honored and took care of her elderly mother.
She loved my kids, though they were not her own.
What else? Even in her last 32 hours, she used her sense of humour to poke fun at her self, her situation and exchange witty banter with friends and family== that was her style. It crackes us up and lightened the load on all of us--another example of her self effacing ways. She succumbed to her disease with acceptance, grace and dignity. Her decisions for handling things after her death were not a big concern for her, it was mainly what would make others feel comfortable.
There is an old saying, that end of one's life the measure of a person is not the wealth they accrued, not the success they achieved but the quality of friendships. In that regard, Carol was a very wealthy woman. I wish all of us could be blessed by the friends she cultivated, they were more like family, with histories ranging up to 50 years. They all came to visit and to say their final goodbyes. Everyone was struck by her unusual openness to affection and expressions of love and gratitude. You see her style has always been to be fiercely independent and stoic. She put up with my hugs, but was not very comfortable with them. Not so, during her last moments, we hugged and she expressed great caring for my two boys and for me being in Craig' s life.
She loved birthday celebrations and always had special presents for our family celebrations. I remember the year she made a home made Alligator cake for Craig.
Though Carol is gone, her mark on her lives was big, was good, and she will be part of our changed life forever. God Bless you Carol, may you see your father in the after life as you hoped you would. You were lovely, honorable, and the best friend and mother one could have. Thank you for being a part of our lives.
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